Mike Johnson appeared blasé over concerns that Donald Trump is using his presidential power to help line his pockets, arguing that, unlike Joe Biden, the president does ‘everything out in the open.’
—— The Independent, May 25, 2025
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This morning, three unmasked men brandishing handguns charged into the Birch Bank branch at 144 Gross Street. One stood by the exit while the others pushed their way through the line of waiting customers to demand that the tellers hand over all the cash. Then one of them forced the bank manager to take him to the safe, where bank officials estimate about $65,000 was handed to him.
Police sirens were heard as the three men reassembled and exited the premises. Out front, several members of the press and two television cameras were waiting, alerted fifteen minutes earlier that the men intended to hold a press conference about a momentous event happening any moment. With police cars racing to turn the corner, one of the three bank robbers spoke for them all as he described the crime they had just committed.
“You call it a crime,” Mike O. Fone, of Twisted Cable Network, said, “but now that you’ve gone public, it isn’t, right?”
The spokesman replied: “Our deepest gratitude to Congress for the MJFA—you know, the Mike Johnson Freedom Act—giving ordinary folks like us the same privileges as the rich and powerful.”
As the man spoke, observers noted the police cars switch off their sirens and speed on by.
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“I love you, Sally.”
“And I love you, Drake. But sometimes I think of killing you. Must you argue with everything I say? Like, just because I like Celine Dion doesn’t mean you have to yell at me like I’m the stupidest person on this earth!”
“I understand, Sally. I really do. I hate to think of you suffering, especially when I’m the cause.”
“I know that, dearest Drake.”
“Listen, my beautiful hen, if you ever follow through with that kitchen knife you waved around the last time, I forgive you now and I’ll forgive you then. After you drop me to the floor, you must take a deep breath, then immediately call your journalist friend and tell her what you did. That way you’ll be protected.”
“You’re such a good husband to me, Drake. If that ever happened, I’d miss you terribly, but at least I wouldn’t have to grieve in prison.”
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Dateline Washington, D.C., January 20, 2029
Following Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s assault on former President Donald J. Trump, Mike Johnson led demands to overturn the legislation he himself drafted and pushed through Congress that automatically exonerates law offenders when they publicly confess.
Earlier today, his term as President having expired at noon, Mr. Trump left the Trump House, which many persist in calling the White House. But as the octogenarian former President hobbled across the Trump House asphalt lawn to the helicopter that was to take him to nearby Trump Airbase and the 747 Trumpliner given him by Qatar, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez ran out from the assembled dignitaries. Before Secret Service personnel could restrain her, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez caught Mr. Trump’s right leg with her right foot, causing him to tumble two times before coming to rest. He suffered bruises and grievous loss of dignity.
Even before the departing President had come to a stop, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez turned to the corner where the press were segregated and announced, “I proudly take ownership of this assault on the most ridiculous president in history. I fight for all Americans. This is what needs to happen to leaders who declare war on their own people.”
Clearly enraged, Congressman Mike Johnson called out from the assembly that he would introduce a bill the next day to declare that all crimes committed as of this afternoon January 20, will henceforth be deemed punishable even when the perpetrator brags to the world about it.
Mr. Johnson added, “This is a perversion of the law Congress passed to even the playing field for criminals.”
Mr. Johnson’s move puts Democrats, who vigorously contend that the MJFA has sent the United States into a lawless spiral, in a quandary. They don’t want to see their beloved AOC prosecuted for what they regard as a just act of protest and exercise of her First Amendment rights.
Standing tall, Senator Bernie Sanders spoke reassuringly: “Don’t worry, the bill as currently proposed by the Leader of the House won’t pass muster in our chamber. I promise it won’t be retroactive.”
Nigh-on nonagenarian Senator Sanders then coughed politely and smiled. “If my friend AOC had tried that on me, I’d have reached down, caught her foot, and sent her flying. But, oy vey, you gotta admire her spirit.”
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