Recent news reports raise the specter of federal law enforcement agencies assigning ghosts to search people’s homes. The news came in the wake of President Donald J. Trump’s social media announcement on February 19: “… I will be directing the Secretary of War [Pete Hegseth], and other relevant Departments and Agencies, to begin the process of identifying and releasing Government files related to alien and extraterrestrial life…”
FBI Director Cache Rejistair told colleagues that he was glad all the secrecy around extraterrestrials is at long last about to be shed. “Ghosts are one kind of extraterrestrial. They come back to earth from wherever the hell dead people go. Did you know that? Well, they could totally make law enforcement more efficient. They could get into homes and offices without keys. They wouldn’t even, like, need to open doors. How awesome is that!”
Director Rejistair has denied making these comments.
However, reactions were swift. A spokesperson for Americans for Democratic Action told our reporter that use of ghosts would place the Constitution’s Fourth Amendment’s protections in grave danger.
Here’s the complete text of the Fourth Amendment. Don’t worry, it’s short:
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Our correspondent, Barney Scribe, asked Prof. Trudi Gauche, an expert on search and seizure law at Purloin University, for her thoughts. The transcript below has been edited for space and tedium.
Scribe: You’ve said you find the administration’s interest in ghosts problematic. When it comes to the Fourth Amendment, what concerns you?
Gauche: The first question you might ask is whether the administration will enforce the warrant requirement. However, as you know, ICE employees have been relieved of the obligation to obtain a judge’s order before entering people’s dwellings and places of work. Sadly, such abuse of the Fourth Amendment isn’t limited to the ghosts of this world. Or the other world, for that matter.
Scribe: So, when it comes to ghosts, what does concern you?
Gauche: As things are now, even other law enforcement agencies stretch the Fourth Amendment to its limits. When officers show up at your home and pound on the door demanding to be admitted, you might not have known you were being investigated. It’s a complete shock. They take you aside–even outside–and invade your privacy to their hearts’ content. If you’ve never been through it, try to imagine the trauma.
Scribe: Not cool.
Gauche: Now imagine this scenario. No one knocks on your door. No one shouts, “Open up!” It’s worse. This time, a ghost slithers through, unrestricted by any door or wall. You’re fast asleep, or maybe scrolling through Instagram. Without your having the slightest suspicion, the ghost officer is hunting through your desk drawers, the clothes in your closet, the empty space behind your toilet.
The next you know, the ghost goes ‘Whoooo’ to wake you up or distract you from your smartphone. You open your eyes or turn your head.
‘You’re kidding!’
A luminous apparition, faintly resembling human form and holding out a badge, hands you a piece of paper. ‘The warrant,’ it says.
‘No, you can’t search my house,’ you say.
‘Oh yes, I can. I already have.’
Scribe: Arrogant little bastard.
Gauche: Now human law enforcement officers show up. You don’t open the door, so they hit it with a battering ram. The ghost officer has piled papers, clothes and who-knows-what else in the bedroom. One human officer goes upstairs to retrieve them while two others handcuff you.
Neighbors hear you blubbering, ‘You went through my teddy bear collection. I don’t even know what I’m charged with.’
Scribe: Not cool.
Gauche: That’s just the beginning. The news gets out: Ghost officers are searching your homes. Now the entire community, and soon the entire country, is petrified. At this very moment, could ghosts be ferreting through our homes? Homeowners look all over, even knowing ghosts don’t reveal themselves unless they want to. Terror of the unseen and intangible grips us.
Scribe: Aren’t we already scared enough?
Gauche: You bet. Exactly. So, to prevent things from getting even worse than they are today, we must fix the Fourth Amendment to bar ghosts from participating in law enforcement.
When asked to respond to Prof. Gauche’s comments, President Trump, speaking from the former Rose Garden, said, “That Gauche woman is just a crazy leftist radical.”
An apparition arose over the former East Wing’s rubble and bowed from its waist-like middle.
Leave a Comment