“We go to the top of the fifth, and once again here’s the voice of the Manhattan Madisons, Clint Hill.”
“Why, thank you, Pete Gray. We’re coming to you today from the Loco Foto Booth. Loco Foto, the photo-sharing service that lets you spread your selfies around the world.”
“They do mean the world, Clint. Better hope your picture isn’t too crazy, if you know what I mean.”
“Got it, Pete. On the mound, the unflappable Miller Blades goes into the wind. The top of the inning is brought to you by Novak’s Irish coffee, for a genuine top of the morning. Don’t start your day without it.”
“Had some just this morning, Clint. I’m still feeling it.”
“Well, Pete, first up in the visiting team’s half, it’s the second baseman Jose Dos. Dos takes inside for ball one. Ball one is brought to you by Circumference, the premier cruise line around the beautiful island of Manhattan. Now Dos hits one high and deep, but playable for the center fielder, who catches it with one hand. That fly ball is brought to you by Armageddon Pest control. Tired of getting buzzed? Take a can of Armageddon wherever you go.”
“Works like a charm, Clint. Hold on, there’s a fly by your ear. Turn away while I give it a good old Armageddon blast.”
“Hey, that tickles.”
“But the fly’s gone to—”
“Okay, Pete. Next up is the shortstop, Ben Bender. The shortstop position is brought to you by Big Leap, the all-natural cure for a stunted lawn. Grow it big with Big Leap. Wonder if that would help my pate.”
“Couldn’t hurt.”
“The first pitch to Bender is at the letters for a strike. That pitch is brought to you by Go Baby Tar, the perfect solution for that too-tall lawn. Bring it under control once and for all with a layer of Go Baby Tar!”
“I just placed my order. I can’t wait to see what Go Baby does for our front yard. And, Clint, if Big Leap makes your follicles go berserk, you can always fix it with Go Baby.”
“Enough with the bald jokes. There’s a game on. Right now Miller Blades goes into his motion for the two-two pitch. Oh, right down the middle for strike three. What was Bender thinking? That was begging to be hit to the upper deck if he’d been swinging.”
“If he had swung, Clint, —it would have been brought to you by Swinging on a Star, your wish fulfillment service. Have a wish? Make it come true at Swinging on a Star.”
“Know what I’d wish for right now, Pete?”
“Another Miller Blades strikeout?”
“That, too. So, two out in the visitors’ half of the fifth, and now it’s the turn of Angel deMitt, the catcher. As long-time listeners know, the catcher’s spot is brought to you by Catch a Break. When life is treating you bad, call up Catch a Break at 555-c-a-t-c-h, or 555-2282. Drop the “h” for harassed, and see what the folks at Catch a Break can do to improve your day.”
“They sure improved my day this morning, Clint. There I was, on the FDR, feeling it after that dose of Novak’s, sure I’d be late for the broadcast. I called up Catch a Break, and the next I knew, the traffic started moving.”
“Speaking of moving, when it’s time to leave town, reach out to Uranus Trucking and Storage, the company that moves things along, and fast.”
“You know, Clint, that’s what we used when I took on this gig. They’re—“
“Hold that thought, Pete, as deMitt strikes out on a Miller Blades fastball to end the inning. That strikeout is brought to you by Bold’s, the old-fashioned font for today’s word processor.”
“That’s right, Clint, and now we go to the break. This commercial break is sponsored by United Salem Pagan Orthopedics and Orthotics Hospital. Don’t let a broken toe keep you off your feet for more than one unnecessary minute.”
“Son of a bitch, Pete. Why must they put these goddamn stupid words in our mouths? Do they think we really buy this shit? Sometimes I think I should hang up the microphone and retire to Montana.”
“Err, Clint.”
“And by the way, there’s a good reason why they named this Booth after Loco Foto. It’s like those old photo booths in here, so goddamn cramped I can’t reach around to scratch my ass.”
“Clint, Seth back there is waving frantically. There’s a technical glitch. We didn’t go to the break.”
“You mean I’ve just told the whole world what I really think?”
“’Fraid so, old buddy.”
“Well, I guess Montana just stopped being a daydream.”
“Sounds like it, old buddy.”
“Quit it with ‘old buddy.’”
“Okay, but get going there, cowboy. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Pete Gray, and I’m honored and proud that I’ve just been named the voice of the Manhattan Madisons. This moment in Madisons’ history is brought to you by our occasional sponsor, Frog March Employment Services. Screwed up on the job? Frog March handles all the details of your departure with no fuss and no cost to you and little cost to your employer. Oh, and Clint, now that you’re headed for Montana, be sure to reach out to Uranus Trucking and Storage. They’ll move you along, and fast.”
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