Note: Transcription of the President’s musings aloud, as recorded on Susan Wiles’s iPhone when Mr. Trump, drifting off with his eyes closed, was unaware another person was in the Oval Office. It was the day before Ms. Wiles’s unexpected departure from the White House. The musings have been heavily edited for readability.
Oh boy, Venezuela sure put an end to all that talk about Epstein. If that old rascal’s name comes up again, I’ll hit Colombia. It’s so easy to drive the crazy left media into a frenzy. They can’t keep up!
I got Venezuela, so I guess Xi can have Taiwan. China already snatched Tibet. What’s an island after that?
I can’t figure out why my good friend XI calls himself “Eleven.” When I ask, he gives me his slanty look, like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
What’s that other lady’s name—the one who runs Japan? Nice woman, like Mach… Macho—Oh hell, Clam Chowder —the one who got the Nobel Prize when I shoulda. Japan lady doesn’t know how to run a country. She’s already getting under Eleven’s skin. Still don’t get why XI calls himself that.
After Colombia, Greenland? Why does the Danish lady prime minister with the stupid name care about Greenland? They tell me it’s closer to Maine than Denmark.
Come to think of it, Iceland is right up there with Greenland. We should grab it while we can. And I think we ought to take back the Philippines, on China’s side of the world, just in case Eleven gets too cocky.
Vladi. Good old Vladi. Gotta hand it to him for putting up such a great show of negotiating while he bombs the hell out of those Ukrainian Nazis.
The lunatic lefties claim Vladi is blackmailing me. Trump Derangement Syndrome”—TDS! I love it. Vladi has nothing on me. Not that I remember.
That was funny when the Veep and I cut the Ukrainian Nazi down to size on television. The next time, at least he wore a tie.
That reminds me. A decade ago, Joe Dangly Pants—Veep the creep—claimed I was a Nazi. Does Pantsy really think I forgot? The day he ceases to be a useful shill, I’ll fire him, then have Kristi the Gnome declare him a domestic terrorist and contract a masked man to make it look like he’s trying to run him over so he can shoot him in the street.
It’s great that Modi is wiping out the Moslems in India. Best of all, he works with me and Vladi to ensure Russia gets paid for its oil while I act like I’m opposed. Gotta get that Nobel Peace Prize. Once I do, which I will, we can stop pretending.
Sometimes I wonder why I care about that Nobel. I mean, the people who award it are Swedes or Norwegians—one of those pale countries. Aren’t swedes some vegetable they put in stews? I’ll stick to hamburgers.
The EU? What a bunch of ungrateful traitors. They don’t pay their share of NATO, they try to kill our American tech giants, and they get their knickers in a twist—like they say in King Charles III’s land—over a piddling little country like Ukraine. It wasn’t even a country when I was growing up. Vladi told me it betrayed Mother Russia and went off on its own.
People just don’t get it. The world is about power, and power is about spheres of influence. Ukraine, you belong with Russia. Get over it.
Netanyahu. Poor Bibi. Compared to me, Vladi and Eleven, he has it the hardest. He shouldn’t have gotten himself convicted before taking office the last time. Makes him vulnerable to his country’s looney left.
Who else? Oh, yeah. MBS. With a name like his, glad he uses initials. Great businessman. Knows how to keep a lid on things, like with that reporter. But why let ladies drive when they didn’t used to? In MAGA land, we’re taking things back to the time when women knew their place. He’s gotta to re-think that one.
South Africa. Biggest discriminator in history. There’s been nothing like it, the way they treat those white Afrikaners. Nobody knew. I’m glad Elon told me.
Argentina and Brazil? Talk about a tale of two cities. Argentina—great friend of the United States. The American taxpayer is happy to give them that 20 billion dollar boost. Brazil—no friend of ours, which is why they’re getting the biggest tariffs in history. They speak Portuguese in Brazil. Nobody knows that. Everyone else down there speaks Spanish, so no surprise Brazil has no clue.
So much to do. Good thing I’m 100% healthy, like I paid my doc to say. Doctors have been great for me. The one back in the sixties got me out of going to Vietnam so I could become leader of our great nation. Now, for the first time in history, a strong man—me—is running the US military the way it’s supposed to be.
I love having Hegseth there taking all the flak. Does he have any idea how stupid he looks? Go get ’em, Mr. Pushups!
I should order Hegseth and Bondi to go out on a date. Which one would pull out the knife first! Hmmm. How about Little Marco and the Gnome? But she’d shoot him like she did that dog, then carve him up and cook him for dinner. She’s a mankiller. I won’t make Bobby go on a date. I mean, he’s got enough to handle with that crazy family.
What a great year. I made billions. Not millions—billions. More than anyone made in a single year in history. Won’t be long before Elon comes begging to me. “Elon,” I’ll say, “get in line.”
Everybody loves me. I love it!
But I gotta deal with Susie Wiles. Vanity Fair! Bigger traitor even than Marjorie Taylor Brown. The time will come for them both. I give thanks to God that I’m 100% healthy so I’ll be around to watch.
God is an even bigger friend than Vladi and Eleven.
Does God exist? Who cares? He’s useful.
This was painful to read and very astute!