Words That Betray Us, Politeness That Offends

Words and phrases that corrupt meaning slip into common parlance the way bacteria infiltrate the body. They can impair how we think and reason. Similarly, polite phrases can be messages of expectation that can, instead, frustrate and disappoint.

To point out examples can seem petty, but it’s worth examining words and phrases we use without thinking. I’ve written several posts on words we use with little thought, most recently in an essay about terminology that drains optimism during difficult times. Following are four instances of words and phrases that undermine our intentions:

1. Definitely

Years ago, a writing teacher made her class acutely aware that “very,” which we assume strengthens meaning, actually weakens it. If I say, “I’m committed to finishing this project,” I’m expressing confidence that I will do just that. But if I add very, “I’m very committed to finishing this project,” I’m saying “not completely committed.” Am I very committed, or just almost committed? Am I committed at all?

Just as “wonderful” evolved to “great,” then to “fantastic,” and today to “amazing” and “awesome,” the word “very” has become inadequate as a reinforcer. Now, I would say, “I’m definitely committed to finishing this project,” injecting an even greater element of doubt. Why do I need to say “definitely” if I’m committed? “Definitely” sends an under-the-radar signal that I might not get around to that task today, and if I don’t get to it today, who knows if I ever will?

2. The reason is because

Here are two perfectly good sentences that say the same thing:

The reason I’m calling is that I heard the news.

I’m calling because I heard the news.

However, today the following sentence is more likely to be spoken or written:

The reason I’m calling is because I heard the news.

The reason is because? But “because” isn’t a reason. For the record, it’s a subordinating conjunction.

Grammarians call the phrase “the reason is because” redundant. To me, it’s illogical.

3. How are you?

This greeting came into fashion when the zeitgeist decided “Hello” and “Hi” weren’t good enough. It usually gets the response, “Great,” “Fine” or, less grammatically, “Good.” It rarely elicits the truth, such as, “This morning my pet crab pinched me. I’m miserable.”

4. Have a nice day

Even as a young teenager when this phrase came into vogue in the 1960s. I saw it as an exercise in unthinking optimism. Imagine saying it to a stranger who failed an exam that morning, never mind someone who had just lost their spouse.

Naturally, the phrase turned into “Have a great day” and kept evolving from there. Two years ago, I happened to have an appointment the day a new hospital opened in our neighborhood. Each employee greeted me with “Have an amazing day.” They’d clearly been instructed to by administrators deep inside the hospital bureaucracy. To the hospital’s employees’ credit, by my next visit a week or two later, the “amazing” part disappeared, and after that, so did the entire “Have a nice day.” It didn’t make the staff less friendly. Or should I say less hospitable? Now, their warmth came through.

I like it when someone says, “Have a good one.” It’s a light-hearted swipe at the emptiness of “Have a nice day.”

There’s an appealing innocence behind some of these words and phrases. We say “definitely” wishing to show strong interest, not realizing it does the opposite. “How are you?” anticipates a cheerful answer, but when the optimism is misplaced, it can cast a pall on the moment.