Let me confess at the outset that this title is totally deceptive. I don’t plan to list ten such grievances. The title was inspired by “10 Things Sighted People Do That Annoy Me,” a video posted by Molly Burke, a 32-year-old blind motivational speaker. I will tackle each of her complaints below.
I find the video long and humorless, focused on grievance more than on offering solutions. However, Molly has 1.97 million subscribers. As of this morning, the video had elicited 1,007 comments, 4,048 likes, and zero dislikes. Her podcast unquestionably educates her website’s visitors about problems that blind people experience in a sighted world, and as such, it is a valuable contribution. However, I worry she presents blind people as perpetual victims.
Several of her complaints involve situations where the right thing for a sighted person to do isn’t obvious. The way to handle them calls for the kind of negotiating that takes place every day in all phases of society, not just when disabled people are involved.
Conscientious pedestrians focus on where we’re going not only for our own safety, but also so that we don’t crash into passersby. If we accidentally bump someone and they drop their shopping bag, spilling its contents all around, we are likely to apologize and might help retrieve them. Meanwhile, the person bumped into does their level best not to blow a gasket. True, there are the perpetual smartphone addicts charging obliviously along sidewalks, but unhappiness with them is not confined to the blind population.
Gemini was kind enough to summarize Molly’s ten points for me, I believe fairly. In each case below, her complaint is followed by my comment:
1. Bad Communication in Groups: Walking away from a conversation or getting “sidelined” by another conversation without telling the blind person. This leads to them talking to thin air, which can be deeply embarrassing.
Comment: Social gatherings are inherently difficult. Even for sighted people sensitive to this predicament, it’s hard not to be distracted by others catching your eye or overhearing something of particular interest.
Even thirty years after enactment of the Americans With Disabilities Act, most sighted people have encountered few, if any, blind people. It’s crucial that more and more blind people emerge from the shadows known as the “blind community.” The more who interact with mainstream society, the more that sighted people will get it. Then they will be more likely to adapt to us in the ways they do to those much older or much younger than themselves or who speak a different dialect or who come from a different social milieu.
I’m glad Molly has alerted sighted people to this problem, but couldn’t we be less harsh about it?
2. Qualifying Compliments: Adding “for a blind person” to the end of a compliment (e.g., “You’re pretty for a blind girl”). This implies that the speaker has low expectations for blind people’s capabilities or appearance.
Comment: I can’t remember experiencing this one; then again, I don’t typically get called “pretty.” Seriously, while I don’t recall ever having been openly complimented with the “for a blind person” qualification, it’s inevitable that the thought will have crossed people’s minds because limitations associated with blindness are embedded in our language: “turn a blind eye” (meaning ignore) and “blindly” (thoughtlessly), and so on. It’s why our accomplishments can seem disproportionate and praise excessively lavish.
That said, “pretty for a blind girl” is infuriating, whatever the excuse. Would we dare tell a woman to her face she’s “pretty for a Virginian”? Actually, would we dare tell a stranger she’s pretty, never mind Medusa-like?
3. Guide Dog Violations: This includes petting a guide dog while acknowledging they shouldn’t be and making distracting noises.
Comment: I’ve never had a guide dog, but I’m aware that Molly’s warning is valid. That said, people sometimes refer to dogs as “chick magnets,” which presumably includes guide dogs. A blind fellow I knew objected to a New York Times opinion column in which the author complained about people offering to assist. “That’s how I meet women,” he remonstrated. He would have welcomed a woman showing a little love to the dog.
Nevertheless, all of us, sighted or otherwise, need to respect the rule that guide dogs must not be distracted.
4. Vague Directional Language: Using words like “here,” “there,” or “this” without descriptive context. Molly likens this to being spoken to in a language she doesn’t understand.
Comment: This habitual way of communicating is an instance where the blind person has a job: Find a polite way of saying, “Tell me where ‘there’ is. To my right?” Being specific usually triggers understanding for the person trying to help.
5. Touching Without Consent: Stepping in to “help” by grabbing her shoulders, wrist, or hand without asking first. She emphasizes that while offering help is great, physical contact should always be preceded by a question.
Comment: Here’s another annoyance that, regrettably, happens more to women and girls than men and boys. But I’ve also experienced it. Being grabbed as I’m about to cross a street is not only disconcerting, but dangerous. The task requires concentration and complete freedom of movement.
As an aside, I had an even more dangerous experience as I was about to cross a street. A passerby told me nothing was coming when, in fact, a car was hurtling toward the intersection. Thankfully, I hesitated just long enough to hear the car. Ever since, I have second-guessed tips from strangers.
6. Insisting on a “Cure”: Suggesting simple fixes like fish oil, carrots, or diets for a genetic condition. This often puts the “burden” of the disability on the individual, suggesting that if they just tried harder, they wouldn’t be blind.
Comment: This complaint is a subgenre of the larger problem that too many people, sighted or blind, succumb to the urge to dispense advice. If you—whoever you are—are tired or too thin or plain unhappy, they always have a remedy, one we’ve almost invariably already considered and rejected. Unsought advice can feel like an imposition. See my satirical post “Advice: A Story.”
Molly includes in her list those who insist on praying for you, which brings to mind a long-ago weekend in rural northwest North Carolina and my overnight stay in the home of a friend’s mother. When she and I were alone together on Sunday morning, she preached that I’d regain my sight if only I gave myself over to Christ. Had I not been trapped in a house in the middle of nowhere, I would have fled.
7. Undermining Independence: Criticizing how a blind person performs a task or jumping in to do it for them because it’s “faster.” This discourages them from learning and adapting tasks to their own needs.
Comment: It can be as annoying for a sighted person as it is for a blind person to be criticized for the performance of a task, never mind to be pushed aside and have the task taken away from them. True, it can be especially galling to a blind person when the criticism is related to blindness.
Sometimes the worst offenders are those who work with blind people. On my way to work many years ago, I kept crossing paths with a stranger, a teacher of mobility, who would stop me to say I was using the wrong kind of white cane. There are different models, and some work better for some people than others. The one I used worked best for me. I listened politely the first time, and even the second, but after that I ignored him and he eventually got the message.
Generally, sighted people taking over a task from me can be frustrating, and yes, it can interfere with my figuring out how to accomplish it. But the sighted person might well save me a lot of time in wasted effort. Another scenario to be negotiated.
8. Invasive Personal Questions: Asking highly inappropriate or personal questions (e.g., about bathroom habits or sex life) in casual settings like an Uber or a restaurant.
Comment: I haven’t had the intrusive bathroom or sex questions inflicted on me. How incredibly offensive. However, strangers have asked me how I lost my vision. It happened all the time during high school. More recently, the offender is likely to be a cab driver. The temptation nearly overcomes me to respond with an offensive question of my own, such as, “How long have you smelled the way you do?” Of course, it would take offensiveness to a whole new level. Would it make my point? All I’d do is confirm the prejudice some have about nasty blind people.
9. Expecting Free Labor/Gratitude: Treating disabled people as if they should be grateful for every opportunity, or asking for free professional consulting/expertise that a non-disabled person would be paid for.
Comment: To the extent I can appreciate Molly’s distress, I’d think sighted people might be just as likely to be targets. On the flipside, I remain astounded by how often people will go out of their way to help others, especially the disabled.
10. Exclusion from DEI Conversations: Leaving disability out of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) discussions. Molly notes it is particularly hurtful when other minority groups exclude the disabled community from these conversations.
Comment: I’ve participated in few such discussions, finding them prone to deteriorate into grievance sessions.
Concluding Thought
Having seen until I was thirteen, I sometimes ask myself how, were I still able to see, I would respond on encountering a blind person. I’m not confident I would be as gracious as have been thousands of considerate strangers with whom my life has briefly intersected over the decades. I make allowances that I was thirteen, self-involved and insecure as thirteen-year-olds tend to be. Nevertheless, with that reality check in mind, I try to do my level best to respect those who make honest mistakes.
What can irritate me is when I’ve made it clear how to speak to or assist me and the person persists in doing the opposite. All blind people have found themselves being addressed through third parties—“What does your husband want for an appetizer?” I’ll respond, “He wants the chicken soup.” It’s heartwarming when the waiter gets it and even laughs, but some persist in treating me as incapable of thinking and speaking for myself. Such obtuseness could be a fine topic for Molly’s ire.
I attempted to watch her video but was turned off by the ire she directs at ‘sighted people’, as though the separation between us goes far deeper than just the ability to see. I found your commentary so apiece with my own experience. Nothing somebody does for me out of a desire to be helpful or considerate makes me feel anger or hate. Sure, sometimes efforts come off pretty poorly for lack of forethought or, for that matter, any thought at all, but even the worst interaction is likely better than being dismissed, ignored or kicked in the shin. And even many of these egregious trespasses are just flavors of commonplace ignorance or thoughtlessness that might be directed at anyone, sighted or otherwise. In my own life as a visually impaired person, I try to practice patience, both for myself and for those sighted folks that take the time to engage me in ways they think might be helpful or normalizing. And let’s face it, I am pretty for a blind guy.