Advice: A Story

Ever noticed how we can’t complain without giving each other advice?

“The way I’m eating in this pandemic, I’m going to turn into a beached whale.”

— Don’t you exercise? —

“Like I told you, I have a stationary bike.”

— Oh right, what you call ‘the bike to nowhere.’ So, can you pedal backwards as well as forwards? You strengthen more muscles by alternating. —

“You made that point the last time the bike came up.”

— You also need to lift weights. —

“Stand in the middle of the living room hoisting chunks of metal?”

— How about attaching weights to your feet and ankles while you pedal? —

“I’ll think about it. Meanwhile, I’m hoping my big accomplishment today will be to create a PayPal account.”

— What about Venmo? —

“What’s that?”

— You know, like PayPal, only it covers different kinds of transactions. Google it. —

“I’m finally ready to overcome my online money phobia, and now you’re telling me PayPal isn’t good enough? I’ll stick to cash.”

— You can get the virus from cash. —

“So I’ll starve. Who cares?”

— Sign up for PayPal. —

“You just told me… Forget it. I’m going to read a book.”

— What are you reading? —

“Edith Wharton. She really brought to life New York in another era.”

— Ever heard of Dawn Powell? Talk about New York in another era. —

“I’ll add her to the list.”

— You could save time by watching the movie. Did you know Martin Scorsese made a film of your Edith Wharton’s Age of Innocence? —

“Lately, time is what I’m trying to kill.”

— That’s no way to talk, my friend. You don’t want to arrive at death’s door looking back at all the time you’ve wasted. —

“I don’t?”

— If time is weighing heavily on you, think of a service you could do someone. —

“My friends are all doing fine, and I’m not aware of any neighbors in trouble.”

— Your world is so narrow. —

“So I should go join a protest.”

— Great idea. But if you do, wear a mask and socially distance. —

“I’ve got asthma.”

— Oh, then stay at home. —

“Isn’t that what I was saying?”

— You’re so confrontational. Try to listen more. —

“Listen to you giving me contradictory advice?”

— The thing with advice is to sort through what works for you and sift out the rest. —

“Good. I’ll sift you out.”

— Keep your options open. You never know. —

“That’s right. I don’t know and never will.”

— Clearly, you need to broaden your horizons. —

“That’s why I read books.”

— Great idea. —

“But when I tell you what I’m reading, you urge me to read something else.”

— Just a suggestion. Don’t limit yourself. Try a self-help book. —

“You give me all the self-help I need, and then some.”

— Calm down. Breathe deeply, in and out. Hold it in, then slowly let it out. —

“It’s after five. I’ll calm down with a glass of wine.”

— That glass could be the first step down the slippery slope. How about doing your daily half hour on the bike to nowhere? You’ll feel better. —

“The way you told me? Pedaling backwards, forwards, sideways and upside-down, all the while with a ten-pound weight on each hand and foot?”

— Don’t exaggerate. But do take care not to strain a muscle. —

“So forget the weights?”

— That’s what I’d recommend. —

“Besides, I’d look pretty silly pushing and pulling with weights all over me.”

— You’re so anxious about appearances. Don’t worry about what other people think. —

“In that case, I won’t shush my dog when she barks.”

— Come now, treat your neighbors as you would have them treat you. —

“I thought I was taking your advice—don’t worry about other people’s opinions.”

— No man is an island. —

“But my home is my castle.”

— That’s for Englishmen. This is America. —

“I’ll change citizenship. ‘Rule Britannia,’ and all that.”

— How unpatriotic. —

“‘O say can you see’ this fist on its way?”

— Calm down. —

“You already told me to, but you don’t like my method.”

— I’m worried for you. I’m just trying to help, like you’d help me. —

“One hundred pieces of advice from you for every one from me.”

— I only— —

“So here’s my one piece of advice for you today: Shut up.”