Automated response system: If this is an emergency, hang up immediately and dial 911. If you are a hospital or doctor, press 1 because your call is important to us. If you are calling to make your first appointment with this office, press 2. If you are one of our regular patients, press 3 and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.
[Soothing music]
Ten, or fifteen, or thirty minutes pass…
Receptionist: [Mumbles.] Hello.
Patient: At last. I’m calling about—
What is your date of birth?
Don’t you want to know my name first?
What is your date of birth?
Are you trying to find out if I’m young enough to date or too old to bother curing?
What is your date of birth?
Okay, it’s 12-31-99.
1999, right?
Actually, 1899. End of the year, end of the century and end of an era. Sort of.
[Pause.] Sorry, sir, but I find no record of that birthdate.
How about checking for your record of my name?
What is your name?
Monty Marmaduke.
[Laughs.] Cute, sir. What is your name?
That is my name. I can’t believe I’m calling a doctor’s office only to have you insult me.
Please hold.
[Soothing music]
Receptionist: What is this call about, Mr. Marmaduke?
I’d like to make an appointment with Dr. Fate.
Please state the nature of the problem.
I’d prefer not to. It’s between my doctor and myself.
I am not authorized to schedule an appointment without stating a reason.
What kind of rule is that? What did you say your name was?
Cauliflower.
Are you serious? Cauliflower? That’s hilarious.
Sir, what is the nature of the problem you’re experiencing?
Okay, then. I’ve got boils on…
Yes?
Well, if you must know, on my butt. Big ones. Big enough to sell to the local bowling alley.
Dr. Fate doesn’t get involved in commercial enterprises.
Oh yeah? If your office weren’t a corporate enterprise, I’d be speaking to the doctor’s assistant who would know my voice when she or he heard it and wouldn’t ask impertinent questions.
Anything else I can help you with, sir?
I’d like to speak to Dr. Fate about my boils. Do you have any idea how hard it is when you can only either stand or lie on your side? No sitting, not even on the softest couches. I might have cancer. With luck, they just need lancing. Cancer would be a pain, but maybe all they need is a drain.
You’re a poet, Mr. Marmaduke?
If you knew anything about poetry, Cauliflower, you’d recognize I’m a bad one.
You wish to make an appointment to see Dr. Fate about boils on your buttocks. Is that it?
Must you put it so crudely? But yes, I’d like to see Dr. Fate.
What is your height, Mr. Marmaduke?
My height? Does that have something to do with boils?
It’s for our records.
Well, average. I haven’t checked lately. It keeps going down. Aging, you know.
What is your weight?
Somewhere between a mouse and a hippopotamus. Probably in the middle.
In pounds and ounces, what is your weight?
I have no idea. If I did, I wouldn’t share it with a cauliflower. [Chuckles.]
Please hold.
[Soothing music.]
Receptionist: Dr. Fate is out of the office this month and is fully booked into next year.
You can’t be serious. From what I read online, for boils like these, you should seek medical advice right away.
[Soothing music]
Automated response system: If this is an emergency, hang up immediately and dial 911.
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